Originally Published: 2003-02-09

I am gazing into my crystal ball, which is cloudy, very cloudy ...maybe it's dirty. After spritzing it with Windex I think I see the following terrible things ahead for us in 2003.
• In a new sequel, Harry Potter is visited by the Devil. After being informed that he will go to hell for doing all that witchcraft, he becomes a Christian Fundamentalist.
• Hollywood will make a blockbuster film called 911: The Twin Towers Story.
• Marijuana will be legalized in Canada, therefore putting many earnest hardworking young men onto the welfare rolls.
• Ally McBeal will break up with Harrison Ford after during a good meal he mistakes her for a toothpick and tries to clean his teeth with her.
• A new 12-Step Group will be formed in the United States called Presidents Recovering From Alcoholic and Sex Addiction.
• On Survivor Amazon, the contestants finally realize they can kill host Jeff Probst and eat him for food.
• Sickened by emissions from the planes flying over to the New Toronto Airport, Toronto Island residents will rename the mass of the land Mysterious Yellow Mist Island.
• The makers of the hit Video Game Grand Theft Auto create a game called "Revenge of the KKK" which features a Charlton Heston lookalike beating up anti-war protesters and setting fires to the homes of anyone who is not white. You also gets points for beating up prostitutes and converting them to Christianity.
• The CBC produces a made for T.V. movie about Anne of Green Gables' great-great-granddaughter who grows up, moves to Toronto, becomes homeless. It's called Anne of Green Garbage Bags.
• Always sensitive to emerging female role models, Mattel creates a toy called "Obese Barbie" complete with Weight Watchers booklet, miniature bags of cookies and potatoes and a scale.
• TMN creates an all-Canadian movie channel so that we can figure out which movies consumers know automatically not to watch when we flick through the movie channels.
• In order to compete with other Fast Food outlets, McDonald's creates a low-fat Big Mac.

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