Culture Vulture

2003 Psychic Predictions

I am gazing into my crystal ball, which is cloudy, very cloudy ...maybe it's dirty. After spritzing it with Windex I think I see the following terrible things ahead for us in 2003.
• In a new sequel, Harry Potter is visited by the Devil. After being informed that he will go to hell for doing all that witchcraft, he becomes a Christian Fundamentalist.
• Hollywood will make a blockbuster film called 911: The Twin Towers Story.
• Marijuana will be legalized in Canada, therefore putting many earnest hardworking young men onto the welfare rolls.
• Ally McBeal will break up with Harrison Ford after during a good meal he mistakes her for a toothpick and tries to clean his teeth with her.
• A new 12-Step Group will be formed in the United States called Presidents Recovering From Alcoholic and Sex Addiction.
• On Survivor Amazon, the contestants finally realize they can kill host Jeff Probst and eat him for food.
• Sickened by emissions from the planes flying over to the New Toronto Airport, Toronto Island residents will rename the mass of the land Mysterious Yellow Mist Island.
• The makers of the hit Video Game Grand Theft Auto create a game called "Revenge of the KKK" which features a Charlton Heston lookalike beating up anti-war protesters and setting fires to the homes of anyone who is not white. You also gets points for beating up prostitutes and converting them to Christianity.
• The CBC produces a made for T.V. movie about Anne of Green Gables' great-great-granddaughter who grows up, moves to Toronto, becomes homeless. It's called Anne of Green Garbage Bags.
• Always sensitive to emerging female role models, Mattel creates a toy called "Obese Barbie" complete with Weight Watchers booklet, miniature bags of cookies and potatoes and a scale.
• TMN creates an all-Canadian movie channel so that we can figure out which movies consumers know automatically not to watch when we flick through the movie channels.
• In order to compete with other Fast Food outlets, McDonald's creates a low-fat Big Mac.
• On the Food Network, the star of the Thirsty Traveller continues to travel around the world, only this time instead of sampling alcohol, he introduces us to the world's best rehab facilities.
• Eminem wins an Oscar for 8 Mile, which finally marks the end of civilization as we know it.
• Puppets Who Kill finally gets killed when the network realize that the days when people liked watching shows like Alf are long over.
• Cigarettes are declared illegal, however you can still kill yourself by overworking, eating bad food, drinking and smoking marijuana.
• In a desperate attempt to be hip again, the National Post sends a free pouch of marijuana to every new subscriber (after it is legalized, of course).
• Always sensitive to gender discrimination and the changing times, the CBC produces a show called Mr. Cross-Dress-Up.
• Health and Welfare Canada finally announces that looking at a computer for more than two hours a day causes you to go blind. OOPS!
• Lake Ontario disappears suddenly one day when the Americans go through a great drought and realize they have no way of watering their golf courses in the deep south.
• After years of waiting, the world finally witnesses the final collapsing in of Michael Jackson's nose.
• The Home Shopping Network starts selling items like gasmasks and "At Home Survival Kits."
• In Toronto, Little Italy will be taken over by the Chinese, Chinatown will be taken over by the Portuguese, Queen Street will be taken over by people from Oshawa, and Parkdale will be taken over by people from Yonge and St. Clair.
• Foul-talking, cigar-smoking Ed the Sock finally gets lost in a dryer. Forever.
• A coming of age novel, about a child who struggles against overwhelming odds - poverty, abuse and prejudice - and becomes a famous a writer wins the Pulitzer Prize... again!

Publication Date: 2003-02-09
Story Location: http://tandemnews.com/viewstory.php?storyid=2325