Culture Vulture

The Wonder of Bras

Bras are a centuries-old invention that came from the mind and imagination of an elderly man who thought that the ladies of his day needed a little extra support to get by. And so the first brassieres, as they were referred to back in the day, were uncomfortable, suffocating things with thick straps and which were constructed in such a way that women felt the bra was wearing them, and not the other way around. But, after all, comfort was not the purpose of this initial foray into the world of "female support" - efficiency was. And those ancient things were meant to hold in the cupeth which threatened to overfloweth.
But alas, the times they have changed, and the bra, as with any other invention, has had to evolve to suit the changing needs and desires of its consumers. And some of these consumers aren't just of the fairer sex variety. An elderly male former next door neighbour of mine used to joke that his favourite commercial of all time was the Wonder Bra commercial which was popular several years back.
Madonna didn't introduce the world to the cone-shaped bra (made infamous in the early '90s); heck, that honour goes to my grandmother who still hangs up her odd-shaped brassieres on the line to dry, completely ignorant of the fact that when my brothers were small they would wear the strange conical things on their heads and pretend they were aliens.
Then there's your 60-something mother's bra. You know, those unattractive off-white cotton things they sell right out of the bins at Dollar Stores everywhere. This is the one that you might wear around the house if you're vacuuming. But if you're in the middle of an intimate situation with that someone special, you'll get the same reaction you would get if you were caught wearing floral control-top underwear.
Sport bras help to keep us women strapped in tight to the point where friction or the possibility of anything moving is severely restricted, much like an insane person in a straight-jacket. The less they move around, the less friction, the better your workout. Unless you want to opt for what one resourceful woman at my gym does: while running on the treadmill, she presses her hands down on her boobs and runs like the wind.
Then there's your work bra. You wear this to the office. You'll have one in different colours but the style is always the same because it's the one that you feel the most comfortable in. It's neither cheap nor particularly expensive but it does have to be trustworthy enough that you don't have to worry about the clasp unleashing itself in the middle of your pivotal business presentation.
Then there's the sexy, sleek black bra, made famous around nightclubs all around Toronto. This one's self-explanatory. However, if for reasons that regard genetics or mother nature, you don't have much of anything to put into this sexy and sleek black bra, you can get the kind of bra that actually creates cleavage where none existed before. This last one is appropriately given spectacular names that include adjectives such as "Wonder" and "Amazing." It is such a testament to the technological and scientific advancements of our modern age that it might as well be a rocket ship.
The newest addition to this roster of bra achievements is the "Water Bra" whose cups - you guessed it - are inserted with water, giving you the look and feel of a walking waterbed. It will also cut into your budget, but for the non- post-boob-enhancement-but denying it-non-Tyra Banks ladies out there, it might be worth the cost of admission. Just make sure that you keep away from all sharp and potentially prickly objects.

Publication Date: 2001-10-21
Story Location: http://tandemnews.com/viewstory.php?storyid=514